Historical London Christmas Scenes… as Mangled by AI

A bit of festive silliness.

Merry Christmas, and welcome to this festive edition of Londonist: Time Machine.

(I’m taking a bit of a break this week, so this is actually a regurgitated morsel of merriment from last Christmas… but we’ve more than doubled in subscribers since then, so I figure it’ll be new to most readers.)

🎄🎄🎄.🎄🎄🎄.🎄🎄🎄.🎄🎄🎄

Dear AI, Please Draw me Historical London Christmas Scenes

Can an AI channel the Ghost of Christmas past?

Substack has its own inbuilt image-generation software. It’s not very good. Sometimes, it’s hilariously not very good. So I thought we could have a bit of seasonal fun at the AI’s expense by feeding it historical inputs and critiquing the results.

Each heading below corresponds to the input text I used with the AI, and the image is the result. If you can think of additional prompts that might be fun, just let me know in the comments. I’ll try, it and paste in whatever the AI spits out. Enjoy!

Christmas in Tudor London

Let’s start with a safe and undemanding topic. The generated image is pretty impressive, I think you’ll agree. The scene look plausibly 16th century, with both dress and architecture looking about right (though perhaps not those top hats). The Christmas tree is somewhat anachronistic for Tudor England, but is not beyond the realms of possibility, given that such decorations were already known in German towns. Off to a good start.

Medieval London at a snowy Christmas with lots of snowmen

Travelling back further in time, this is Substack AI’s take on a medieval street scene. Perhaps the distant tower is medieval, but every other building in this image is Georgian or Victorian. Big fail. The image generator crafts pictures at a low resolution, for which we can all be thankful here — some of those snowmen look like they might eat your face if properly resolved. And what’s that coal-black entity in the middle of the scene? This could be a Doctor Who Christmas special.

A feast with thousands of poor Victorians receiving Christmas food in a London street

This one is inspired by a previous newsletter. In 1851, some 22,500 destitute Londoners were given a slap-up Christmas meal in Ham Yard, Soho. Substack’s recreation of the event is pretty impressive, I have to admit. Don’t zoom in, though, or you’ll notice that the bearded gent on the left has a pile-ridden bum for a face.

Santa in his sleigh riding over London

No historical prompt on this one. I just wanted to see what Substack would make of a fairly standard Christmas card image. It’s superficially acceptable but, once again, the devil is in the details. I rather approve of that multistorey St Paul’s. It looks quite dignified, and seems to be inspired by a silly Photoshop that Londonist published way back in 2006. And pity that poor reindeer who is single-hoofedly conveying Santa… a Santa who appears to be brandishing a revolver. Eek.

Christmas in Victorian London, but with dinosaurs

Well this one’s a triumph. A convincing dinosaur in a convincing street scene. Oh no, wait… how many legs has that T-Rex got?

Dick Whittington and his cat enjoying a merry Christmas

This bizarre image opens whole worlds of interrogation. Clock the glances; what intimate secrets are shared by the two seated principals? What evolutionary pressures could give rise to both bipedal and quadrupedal felines? Why does the cat on the right look so disapproving? Why does the seated cat have only one shoe? Someone needs to write the screenplay.

The Muppets performing Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol

It’s not my opinion but objective fact that The Muppets Christmas Carol is the greatest movie ever made. It just is. And I’m quite impressed by this AI interpretation. It has all the joy and spirit of the original, right up to the point where you notice the disembodied Muppet head on the shelf.

Anne Boleyn and Winston Churchill enjoying Christmas

I’m not sure the AI quite encapsulates the meaning of “enjoying” here. At least Boleyn’s still got her head, unlike that Muppet. So that’s something.

Charles Dickens switches on the Oxford Street Christmas lights

Oh my god what’s he doing to that boy? Somebody stop him.

William Shakespeare up the Trafalgar Square Christmas tree

“Thank you for your input. I will ignore what you say and instead draw TWO William Shakespeares beside a Christmas tree, in some make-believe square.”

Londonist: Time Machine at Christmas

And finally, I wanted to see how the AI would portray this newsletter’s name — “Londonist: Time Machine” — with a festive twist. This is my absolute favourite output. I don’t know what the hell that contraption is, but I very much want one for Christmas.

Reader suggestions from 2023…

I’ll paste in below any new images suggested by readers. First up, reader ‘AS’ suggests “Santa mudlarking on the Thames,” which I think is a great idea. Here’s what the AI produced:

He doesn’t look the happiest, does he? But I love the multicolour flotsam and jetsam on the foreshore.

George Taylor has a very specific request: “Angels enjoying a festive get together in Georgian London with Dr Johnson, David Garrick and Mary Wollstonecraft dressed as the three wise men. With John Wick as the frankincense.”

Well, that’s a disappointment. I think that’s meant to be John Wick on the left… but it’s completely ignored the angels and Mary W.

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I hope you enjoyed this bit of Christmas silliness. Remember, if you’d like me to test the AI with a different festive, historical prompt, just let me know in the comments and I’ll paste in the result.

Otherwise, enjoy the rest of the break and I’ll see you in the New Year with something a bit more serious (but still interesting!).

Contact Matt on matt@londonist.com