Five... Valentine's messages from Regency London
Pre-Fabricated by a Stranger for Maximum Romance & Efficiency
Hi and welcome to your weekend newsletter…
This edition’s a handful of Valentine’s messages from Regency-era London.
Our forefathers have long known that nothing says ‘I love you’ like picking the poem that most closely applies to your beloved’s class, age and employment status from a list of around 30 options, and then mailing it to them.
But yes, you’re thinking. Sure. Of course this sounds like the perfect arrangement for maximum romance with minimum personal outlay — if only you could be certain that your beloved would have an equally efficient and impersonal way to respond.
So I have some good news and some great news.
The good news is there’s a book for that. And that book is 1828’s ‘Richardson's New London Fashionable Gentlemen's Valentine Writer or, the Lover's Own Book for this Year: Containing a Very Choice Selection of Original and Popular Valentines, with Appropriate Answers.’1
The great news is I have read this book, so that you don’t have to, and picked a handful of the best-worst love poems with which to optimise your mail-outs this Valentine’s Day.
Shall I compare thee to a semiaquatic rodent
— FROM A HATTER.
Like to a beaver soft and fine, Such is your skin, sweet Valentine;
As fine as any down your hair, Which ever made a hat to wear;
Were I a beaver hat for thee ’Twould suit my wishes to a T;
When on your head I then did shine, How blest would be your Valentine!
Oh! let me grace your pretty head, There, with an ostrich-feather, spread,
How grand would be the lot of mine, To call you dearest Valentine!